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Healing Death

For those who hoped their movement would bring about the changes that would bring life. To the ones who move anyway because they have no other option. For the ones who know how to bridle hate and let it fly in solitude because they know there is noone to blame. And for the ones who ride their violence and their despair to the depth of nothingness to rescue what was shattered there.

For the ones who hoped and dreamed and thought finally we will have a place of our own. For the ones who have met disillusionment in their aging dying faces and the graves of those they loved. For their terror denied or not for their rage denied or not. For the ones who know there was something there but now it seems it is not and its not coming.




What I have to say is overdue and it is me saying it. Its my history and story and damaged point of view and it's not. It's years spent with beings that are here and not here that show me there is another many other places and kinds of light and there are struggles. That there isn't one monolithic point of view in any of the four polarities of God's light and there is much they have had to learn since the last page of the last book was written. They came to settle near me because of the damage and the history we share. Damage that I had no idea of until one part told me that God denied my existence. A door was opened then and I had grief and relief and I rejoiced as much as people who do this work do because I thought it meant it was over that it meant no longer and in a sense that is true and it isn't. They told me about something denied in the Mother for as long as the Mother had existence. Something that moved in her in the depths of unconsciousness buffeted about by her movement from above tidal and subterranean, unpredictable and destructive. We have known it as earthquakes and tidal waves, engines of death and loss and chaos. They have known it as unreachable and were only able to approach it by moving their terror and hate for it. They didn't know what drove it but they knew it was key to healing something so far in the past that even God's light only knew what his part in its creation was but he didn't know how much of His light was lost there or what it would take to recover it so saying that he “knew” was more like saying he had some idea of what was there how it came into existence and what needed to happen to get access to it. Pressuring the Mother to go there was only having so much impact. What was happening they were in effect blind to because the movement that was happening in this denied part was hated by them both, denied by God's light and dismissed as hateful by them both.


What has come to settle near me are the parts that are directly involved with what I hold of Denied Mother. They have found themselves drawn here because their hate was coming here when I moved and they became aware of it because it was making them loose consciousness.

I have no idea how large Denied Mother essence's network is or how much is moving or how much light other parts of God's light are loosing to the hate they feel for that movement but I do know how it feels to be hated for moving, I do know how it feels to have no tenable position for what is moving in me. I know what it feels like to face a wall of hate so denied that it is being “proved” to me that the only problem I have is my own hatefulness. Drop that into whatever category you like the outcome is the same, you would have a place if you would just admit how wrong you are for feeling the way you feel about..... you name it who you are what you need what you did what you didn't do and above all what you hate. Mostly its hate for the violence directed inward and the feeling of why the fuck try to limit it? I set rules for my one and only friend the one who was always more in the dark than me more abandoned and tortured than me. I set the rules for her because I knew if nothing else she has had a hell of lot more to say before we both went down and I would be damned to hell before I would leave her. So I faced their hate and blame that I had so much hate and self hate and blame for them but mostly for myself. No sharp objects was the only rule and I fought it out for years before I had a sense what was happening to their light when they came near me. And they hated me for years before they realized that their hate was trying to destroy me. Their hate was a blankng machine in their consciousness saying I had no reason to be like … whatever I was until they went so unconscious that they simply didn't feel me at all.


This place is the void and it is the place Denied Mother finds herself most of the time. It is the place our Will's go whenever whatever part of outselvs we salvage to play nice with the outside leaves and we know it. It feels ike a knife wound to the belly and to stand up is an effort we know noone around us exists with unless they've been hit with some form to some one if not themselves with death. There is a place or was a place of floating stones in a underground crypt, brown egg shaped rock encasing of something long inert floating in darkness, hundreds of them untouched unnoticed for as long as it takes for there to be not one particle of air displaced by any movement at all. This is where we have all gone when we have lost our biology. No rainbows and long lost relatives or light tunnels for us. Remember Hans Solo in the vat of frozen lead? Hands reaching out face twisted in agony stopped mid scream? Thats what it has been for Denied Mother's Will to encounter God's light. God's light goes unconscious faced with the vibration in Denied Mother's Will that results from his presence and what it vibrates is that there is NOTHING there. God's light experiences Denied Mother's Will as if his light is being denied. If there is another part of us that lifts out and exists for a time I don't know it haven't remembered it and I have remembered a lot of existences here in biology. So if there are parts that exist and have consciousness I can't speak to that. I hope there are I hope there are decisions and choices and places to process and learn but I don't know if I will have that or if any other part of Denied Mother will have that either. I do know that God's light is trying to make a place in his light for us where movement can happen where there is holding and understanding. Some days I have some hope about it most days I struggle with not.


Maybe this explains some of the anger and hate that is in Denied Mother thats always just beneath the surface that we have to learn to “handle” and sequester as much as possible because noone has given us words for what it is to be driven into the experience of nothingness each and every time we are in desperation for some change in something so we can exist. When we die we have gone unconscious then we get chucked back out into another biological experience with birth situations where we are robotized by people who have us as children only by virtue of the fact that they experienced being denied in the same ways as we were. Or to be in a body not your own, shared with someone elses consciousness that is both the decider of your fate and your jailer, needed only to help drive this persons body and otherwise relagated to unconsciousness unless they experience something so triggering that you can't be held back and then you get blamed and shut back up again until that cycle gets so intense and repetitive it ends in death and back you went into the stone.


This happened because God hated Denied Mother so much and he denied his hate so much that it was causing Denied Mother to go unconscious too much for her to have individual consciousness.


Denied Mother is still Mother even though denied and it has the strongest vibrational pull on the part of God's light that is also Body in the Creation. Denied Mother was the magnetic center that kept God's light in Body and connected to Mother. It was supposed to function as a fail safe against a Creation that could be destroyed against a separation that was destructive rather than expansive. Once Denied Mother took in the experience of nothing the part of God's light that is also Body became hating light. The pull is still there but the destruction is in place so it no longer vibrates the experience of God's light. It vibrates the experience of nothing so much because the early separations of consciousness became separate when the force separating them became more hateful than God's light was conscious of. This meant that they were not conscious of what was separating them. What was separating them was hating light that became more hateful the further away from the Will God's light went and the more God's light denied it and lost consciousness of it being his light. The impact of the hating light was greatest in the parts of God's light that are also Body. These parts cannot exist separately, they are connected in that they share the Will they have with their parts that are Mother. Because of their shared Will separating meant that parts of their Will experienced nothing when these parts experienced hating light instead of the light of their shared essence. This part of the Will held the experience of nothing and the part of Mother holding this will experienced nothing when God's light came in response to the Mother's movement.  At the time the only move that could be made was to try and manifest something other than hating light.

 But since that time the part of the Mother holding the experience of nothing has been unknown to her as Mother. If it was recognized as Mother its inability to have an experience of God's light was blamed on it and judged as its problem with unmoved hatefulness. So for a very long time Denied Mother has been trapped in a box of being hated for what it was holding, trapped in a box of unconsciousness which for a very long time meant that it wasn't even able to hold onto consciousness for a length of time necessary to understand what its experience was. All of the Mother holds the essence of Denied Mother within them regardless of being aware of it or not. And all of the Mother has hate for this part of themselves and are triggered into this hate by the experience of Nothing that manifests for them when God's light comes close enough to them to make the will of denied Mother vibrate. God's light comes closer to the Mother when ever she moves, in turn the more God's light approaches the Mother the more her will vibrates. God and the Mother have had intent to move whatever is in her will to heal Creation. The Mother has been moving more and more and God's light has been coming closer more and more. What has been vibrating in the Mother and in all parts of the Mother in biological bodies on earth is the experience of Nothing more and more because they are all holding denied Mother in them. What is worse is that the closer God's light has come to the Mother the more his light has become hating light so the Mother has experienced being denied by God's light instead of being helped. This has been happening because the vibration of the experience of Nothing in denied Mother has been making God's light go unconscious and hating light taking over his light. This is a reflection of the Mother's denied hatred for Denied Mother holding the experience of Nothing. It is as if the original force that caused the separation of the parts of God's light becomes more manifest the closer they come together. This original force of hating light continues to be what manifests each time the Mother moves enough to bring God's light closer to her because the vibration of denied Mother can only manifest the experience of Nothing that she holds. She has had no other experience in this part of her Will.


What has been coming in response to the Mother's movement of the pain and anguish of not being met by God's light is the part of God's light that is also Body. It is the part that is not separate from the Will of their Mother parts. These parts of God's light have not been recognized as being God's light anymore than denied Mother has been recognized as Mother. These parts have not been conscious of what is in their Will. They have not been conscious that their Will is shared with Will that is not only inside of them but also in denied Mother that is their right mate. They share the experience of Nothing in the Will of their Body with the Will of Body in Denied Mother. Their light emerged very differently than the main body of God's light because when their Will's took in the hating light that separated them they shared the experience of Nothing and they could not separate from it as they could not separate from the Will that they shared in their Body. Their Wills could not sequester it as the Mother did with God's light. because while she could exist without God's light this part of her Will could not. Their wills shared that there was NOTHING there but hating light and that their light did not exist. They went unconscious as a result and only became conscious when they had been taken over hating light so much that their Wills were unconscious. The only Will they had was what was necessary to hold them in Body and because they were also unable to exist separately from Body, they emerged with what seemed to God's light and the Mother much more definition of form. They also emerged with what seemed to God's light and the Mother as an innate hatefulness towards the Will. They emerged as hating light and they were holding hating light that had been denied by God's light in the original separation. They were holding the hating light that God' s light didn't even know existed or had ever been his light. They emerged as the Ancient Ones.


It has been painfully confusing for parts of Mother that have been moving on earth to know if there is any hope or not of God's light coming in some form that will heal and help them exist in some way that is closer to their heart's desire. What they have been met with instead for the most part is increasing difficulty existing at all. It has almost seemed a perverse turn of events that the more intensely they move the more intensely they feel pain and abandonment. It is not an abandonment but it has seemed so because what has been coming in response to their movement has had to move so much hate in response to their increasing amount of anguish. What has been coming has been moving hate, but just as often has been going unconscious in the experience of their existence being denied.  What has been coming has repeatedly had the experience of going out of existence in the experience of Mother and denied Mother only responding to their presence with hate making them go unconscious unless they move hate.  Mother and denied Mother can only respond to these parts of God's denied light with hate because these parts are holding so much hating light they no longer exist as anything other than consciousness.  If these parts of God's light choose to deny the parts of themselves that are feeling the experience of denied Mother as she moves they loose these parts to hating light. If they choose to not engage their hate and move their hate for what they are feeling of denied Mother's movement ,they loose so much light that they in effect no longer exist because hating light takes over their light so completely.  So they can either see the situation as an opportunity to regain access to their biology's Will or as an attack that is destroying their existence. It depends on how much hate they move.


What I am seeing is Mother pieces who move until they reach a certain boundary where they hate themselves and their situation so much that they hate God's light and this is the right response to have, but rather than move that they pull back because they are afraid of the hating light that they are feeling as being the only light that will respond to them there. Instead God's light stays in the denial of his response just as they do and stays in hating light until it takes over his light so completely that it is no longer God's light. Until there is movement of hate in God's light there can be no loving part of God's light coming close enough to the Mother's movement to help her. By close enough I mean connected so the Mother can feel his light's presence enough to know that something is with her. By close enough I mean connected to the part of Mother that can draw God's light close enough into her astral, etheric, and physical body so that her will can be aware of his Body's presence. The only part that can do this is denied Mother, because denied Mother is the only part of the Mother not separate from God's light. It is the only part that can't exist separately from God's light which has become God's denied light. There is no part of God's light that can connect to the Mother on earth enough to help her move what she is holding in denied Mother of the experience of Nothing.   The hate that moves in response to the experience of Nothing is coming from the split off parts of God's light that have held nothing but hating light and hating light that won't shift without the experience of Nothing moving and making them come here and move hate or go out of existence.   The part that moves hate is God's denied light, and was at one time the Ancient Ones.


When Gods light moves hate he becomes something else. He becomes his denied light that holds the hate for not being able to exist.


God's light doesn't hold this hate because he can be with parts of the Mother in other dimensions. Only his denied light the Ancient Ones hold so much denial of their experience of not being able to exist that they can't exist here and only exist in other planes of existence as hating light. They come here as hating light when the Experience of Nothing moves them into their experience of not being able to exist by that part of Mother that holds the EON moving it so much it draws them here because they share the same essence. Moving them into the experience of not being able to exist makes them feel hate so much they have to move or go unconscious. When they move Gods' light feels their hate in himself as if its his hate he is feeling and then he can move. They are moving hate that they share that was denied in the beginning because they share the same essence.they share the same feelings. But God's light can't feel the hate without them feeling it because he denied their light that is holding this hate and that is experiencing not being able to exist. Only when they come here and feel it does he feel it and only when the EON moves in the Mother that is also their Will which has become denied Mother do they come here because no other part of the Mother can draw this denied light here.

The Mother that doesn't move this can only draw God's light denying her so much that it becomes unconscious and she goes unconscious in the places where God's light becoming hating light approaches her. That is where these things have always ended , in unconsciousness and death and denied blame and hate for the experience of Nothing only drawing the reflection that there is nothing. God's denied light can make God's light experience the feelings of his own non existence, but it is only God's light that can make the experience of Nothing go unconscious enough that denied Mother can experience something of his light. Which is no longer God's light without the hating light that was the Ancient Ones but is now Gods' light together with the light lost in the original separation.

Whatever splits off from the experience of Nothing whether it is Mother or God's denied light or any other part of God' s light and calls its existence as evolving or learning or truth is in fact hating light even if it can “perform” loving actions on other planes of existence while leaving the EON alone with nothing till it goes unconscious. We are winding down essence to the point of non existence if this continues. Such “Gods” have existed throughout history and continue to plague their denied parts that are on this plane of existence with insisting that the plane they exist on is in fact the right place for them to be and that everything of them here should in fact be there and that here is only a “learning” plane of existence to be shed as soon as possible. Whether its Jesus or Ra the message is the same that what is desired here is wrong, what the Mother wants here is wrong, that she is holding the wrong thing in the wrong place that she is wrong, not them not their light that is the problem but hers, that biology in of itself is wrong, density of from is wrong and only “pure” light can evolve past the “weakness” of the body.  That nature is destructive and intertwined with death caused by the Experience of Nothing held by denied Mother. The punishment for denied Mother for holding the experience of Nothing has been the severest destruction that can be experienced by a conscious being and still remain conscious and it has been mostly carried out by various forms inhabited or taken over by the Ancient One's denied hating light. It has been ritualized and placed in the centerpiece of most religious spectacle whether it be Catholic mass or the cults of Orpheus, it is ritual that codifies the transit of consciousness away from biological existence as being an “ascension” when in fact it is a degradation, a loss, a destruction so great that it inevitably causes destructive movements in the Earth herself.



God's light does have light whose right place is to be here and be in Body and be with Mother that is here on earth . There is Mother whose right place is to be here in Body and be with her right mate God's light here both of them in biological form. The Body parts that have been here with the Mother have been so denied by Gods' light that they have more hating light than they can exist with and still be in their bodies. They can't be in their bodies enough to move the hate that needs to move in response to the EON. The light they need is with God's denied light and has to become God's light by God's light becoming their denied light in hate movement for the experience of not being able to exist. Only then can their light move the hate that Body feels for the experience of not being able to exist Only then can their light to exist enough for Body to feel the hate it needs to move for the experience of nothing and only then can Gods' light that is supposed to be here be in its right place. This has been the “lure” for the Will here on earth disguised as religion or mysticism. That at last it will experience union that the denied Mother experienced in the beginning with Gods' light. Instead the Mother and whatever attachment she has to this part;s desire to feel see touch hear God' s light as part of her own light that reflects to her that her biological manifestation is a brilliant form of his own light that he celebrates and joins in with great love and gratitude to her and Body, is pummeled into unconsciousness so much that the constant drive towards it has become a twisted constrained reversed dismembered lifeless expression of hate that people call sex. And the forgiveness every one seeks for the ways they act out their terror or rage against an existence that is ending as soon as it starts doesn't really matter when what Will you need to feel it is being made to go unconscious by God's light that has become hating the minute he approaches the part of the Will that most needs his light's love. This has been the experience of death for denied Mother and the Will she holds. Aren't you tired of this? Aren't you terrified of this? If you aren't tired and terrified then you are with hating light. You should be able to feel this somewhere near your stomach where the yellow got torn apart and up strangled itself in green and blue to get away from what happened to down so all that was left was a wisp of a cloud and they called that “consciousness”. While the rest? It is not vibrational consciousness that is in the Earth but it is denied Mother consciousness that has gone unconscious. It moves when moved by so much hating light coming from God' s light making it vibrate. The destruction of life is always the result. It is kept at bay only at the loss of healing the Mother. And so the situation is dire, as dire as can be and still be healed, I was told that years ago and yet I couldn't get this out there. I have been so overwhelmed by the seemingly vast all powerful hate in hating light that has been here that I have been too devastated to do it, too physically damaged, too distraught, too doubting, too angry, despairing, and hateful to want to expose others to a path that I have repeatedly judged as being “stupid” over and over and over. thats been my mantra for over ten years. I will put the direct channel I received below. It got so difficult to understand what they were telling me because they were having to contort their language to fit a concept of something I really didn't have enough experience of to put in words. So I couldn't put it out there. Then things got so bad that I thought why would I want anyone to encounter this? There are parts of me that still feel that way but I also know that what I am dealing with is what needs to be dealt with if we have any chance at all of having any other experience than unconsciousness and being “walking dead” when we are here. Fiction has gotten so dark lately, have you noticed? And it doesn't have longevity without visually creating experiences of the kind of pain that exists in denied Mother. Its an indication that the closeness of God's light has been making denied Mother vibrate even in these little ways. Its been a life raft to hold onto all this time. Now I offer you another. I offer you the same choice that I had decades ago to cleave myself from the pain and continue existence as a robot or to remain solid, literally dense in pain no matter what ,no matter how long, no matter how violent, no matter where it goes just to witness the miracle of change. That is a constant, that is a guarantee nothing else not even God's light can promise. It is the light of the Will. Sometimes, often in fact that is all that you will have to hold onto because you won't know how much hating light you will be dealing with when you thought that it was loving light, God's light, even the Mother's light. So you can't think you have to feel and feel the worst of the worst. You will have to feel hate and wanting to kill and destroy over and over again and you will have to come back over and over again to whatever connection you have testing testing over and over again. Sometimes you will know its loving light thats there, you will feel it if you move enough and its great, yeah its amazing and uplifting and huge and wow it changes everything and then you are right back in the nothing and nothing has been effected by it and back to the movement you will have to go. I don't know how much hating light we will have to acquaint ourselves with before we jump over enough hurdles to have the experiences of light we need but I do know that every time it feels killing to encounter hating light. Its like swimming with sharks when the attack has already happened and they are making you remember they bit chunks out of you and are biting you again and you won't believe it will ever stop.  So I offer hope with one hand and hell with the other. But what did you really expect would be the experience necessary to face death and survive?

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